“Elon Musk to Buy ABC, Installs Stephen Colbert as CEO to ‘End Wokeness’—Disney Fans Scream, Colbert Packs a Satirical Suitcase”

In a plot twist that not even Hollywood’s best screenwriters could predict, Elon Musk has reportedly launched a daring plan to purchase ABC, rip the network from the hands of Disney, and install late-night legend Stephen Colbert as CEO. His mission? To “end wokeness”—one snarky monologue at a time.

Yes, you read that right. The same Elon Musk who turned Twitter into X, sent rockets to space with memes in the payload, and challenged Mark Zuckerberg to a cage fight is now apparently coming for prime-time television. And who better to help him save America from itself than the King of Sarcasm himself, Stephen Colbert?

“Stephen has the perfect blend of Harvard wit and ‘I’m-tired-of-this-BS’ energy,” Musk allegedly said through a tweet that was deleted five minutes later. “He’ll make ABC great again, with punchlines.”

From CBS to ABC: The Late Show Gets Later

Sources say Colbert resigned from CBS with a simple note:

“Gone to fix television. Back never.”

He was last seen carrying a suitcase labeled “Satire Toolkit”, a wig that looks suspiciously like Trump’s hair, and a dog-eared copy of George Orwell’s 1984.

CBS insiders are reportedly devastated—one executive was overheard whispering, “We lost him to the chaos dimension.”

Disney Reacts: “Is This a Joke?”

Meanwhile, Disney’s top brass were caught completely off-guard.

“We thought the only hostile takeover we had to worry about was from Ron DeSantis,” said one anonymous Disney exec. “Now it’s Elon Musk… and a talk show host?”

A hastily released statement read:

“ABC is not for sale. Not to billionaires, satirists, or intergalactic meme-lords.”

The “Anti-Woke” Agenda: Late Night… but Make it Based?

According to the non-existent plan leaked by a mysterious intern named “TotallyRealMuskFan42,” Colbert will introduce:

A segment called “Cancel Corner” where public figures try to cancel each other for sport.
An animated series titled “Woke Wars: The Return of Reason” starring Ben Shapiro and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as reluctant roommates.
A new prime-time show: “The View, Unplugged,” where the hosts say things and are immediately fact-checked by AI drones.

Twitter/X Implodes (Again)

Naturally, the internet is on fire. Reactions include:

Joy Behar tweeting “Stephen, WHY?!”
Tucker Carlson offering to co-host “Woke Wars” shirtless.
Elon replying with a fire emoji and a GIF of Colbert dancing with a lightsaber.

Musk’s Master Plan: Multiverse of Media

Insiders claim this move is only Phase 1 of Musk’s “Entertainment Realignment Protocol,” which may soon include:

Buying Netflix and renaming it “NetX”

Reviving Blockbuster just to troll Jeff Bezos
Launching a talk show hosted by AI Elon and AI Joe Rogan debating AI Jordan Peterson

Final Thoughts

While the facts may be fuzzy (or nonexistent), one thing’s clear: in a world where billionaires buy social platforms and comedians run media networks, satire might just be our last defense.

So buckle up. Because if this timeline is real, we’re gonna need Colbert—and a laugh track.

Disclaimer: This article is a satirical piece. None of the events, quotes, or characters mentioned (except for their public personas) should be taken seriously. Unless, of course, they actually happen—in which case, we called it.